Middle-Aged Mayhem Incoming: Edinburgh Prepares for Liam and the Lager Lads

Ruffled Parkas & Municipal Panic: Liam Gallagher Meets the Mighty Council Clipboard

Well, darlings, pack away your prosecco flutes and ready your earplugs — the boys are back in town. Yes, those boys. Oasis — the band that brought laddish bravado to the masses and subtlety to its knees — are descending upon Edinburgh this August for a trio of barnstorming concerts at Murrayfield Stadium. And in truly operatic fashion, their frontman Liam Gallagher is already hurling Twitter tantrums like it’s 1995 and someone’s touched his tambourine.

The source of his ire? Minutes from a planning meeting. Yes, actual meeting minutes — that most beige of bureaucratic artefacts. And yet here we are, with Liam railing against the City of Edinburgh Council after someone dared to suggest that Oasis fans might be “rowdy,” “intoxicated,” and — clutch your pearls — “middle-aged men who take up more room.” One imagines him pacing his Hampstead hallway, incensed that someone in a sensible jacket had the gall to describe his audience with such… accuracy.

Of course, these were simply routine risk assessments — the sort of thing the city undertakes for every major event. Be it Taylor Swift or a tuba parade on the Meadows, we plan. We coordinate. We check for sensible shoes. But when it’s Liam Gallagher, naturally it all becomes a howling affront to art, masculinity, and the sacred right to shout “Champagne Supernova” while holding a pint aloft.

The council, bless them, handled the online caterwauling with its usual soft-spoken grace. Culture convener Councillor Margaret Graham assured the public that “Oasis are no different” from any other large event — a phrase that surely pierced Liam’s ego like a badly-aimed glowstick. No different, imagine!

The report also noted concerns that other, more delicate festival performers might reconsider their shows over that particular weekend. Quite. You try debuting a one-woman Beckett adaptation when a sea of lager-soaked forty-somethings are howling across Haymarket in replica bucket hats.

And let’s pause for that truly exquisite nugget: “middle-aged men take up more room.” Not since “curtain fabrics are fire-retardant” has municipal documentation caused such a stir. But let’s be honest, the fans do take up space — physically, emotionally, and in the Uber queue after.

Promoters DF Concerts gamely described the audience as “energetic and high-spirited” with a “medium to high intoxication,” which is PR-speak for “please don’t blame us when the beer snakes start.”

Liam, never one to let things lie, responded with characteristic delicacy: swearing, sneering, and inviting the council to share pictures of themselves — presumably so he can compare them unfavourably to himself in 1996. It’s all a bit playground, but then, that’s always been part of the brand, hasn’t it?

Meanwhile, the grown-ups — including Police Scotland, the Scottish Ambulance Service, G4S, and Edinburgh’s ever-patient transport teams — are quietly working to ensure that the event passes off without major incident or a trail of lost phones and broken Ray-Bans.

The Scottish Rugby Union is confident it can handle the crowd, having already hosted Ms. Swift and her polished juggernaut of musical perfection last summer. And therein lies the contrast, doesn’t it? The velvet precision of a Taylor Swift crowd versus the glorious, chaotic beer-sloshed bedlam of an Oasis gig. Both valid, one perhaps a little more… fragrant.

In any case, Edinburgh will cope, as it always does — with an arched eyebrow, a few passive-aggressive A4 posters in stairwells, and a city-wide sigh of relief come Wednesday. The council will tidy up the streets, Liam will stomp off to the next arena, and middle-aged men will return to their natural habitats: five-a-side football and weekend barbecue arguments about vinyl.

Until then, gird your loins and polish your municipal clipboards. The Gallaghers are coming — and Edinburgh, ever the tolerant host, will yet again open its arms, roll its eyes, and try to keep the bins upright.

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